This article examines some 'well-intentioned' phrases that are often used towards someone who is hurt or upset, and associated with the ethos of 'positive thinking'. However, these phrases or bits of advice can be anything *but* helpful, and more often than not, cross over to what is known as 'gaslighting' (or the process of manipulating someone into questioning their own feelings or perceptions).
Seven common phrases, as cited by Suzannah Weiss (a psychologist and professor at Browns University in New York), are:
- ‘Sticks and Stones Can Break Your Bones, But Names Can’t Hurt You’
- ‘There’s No Use Dwelling on the Past’
- ‘Nobody Can Make You Feel Inferior Without Your Consent’
- ‘Offense Is Taken, Not Given’
- ‘We Seek Confirmation of What We Already Believe’
- ‘Smile’ (Alternatively, ‘Don’t Cry’)
- ‘Thought Shapes Reality’
When you are upset, you don't always control how you feel, and here are some examples of how such phrases can make you feel even worse about things and not better:
Sticks and stones: the author of this article acknowledges that while being called names shouldn't have to be taken personally (because it usually reflects on the person doing the name-calling, rather than the one being called the name), the reality is that the target of the name calling still hurts. And big-time too. Imagine if you were born with a disability or into a certain race or culture (or there was something else about you that was beyond your control that you had to live with), and you were called names all your life, then telling yourself that 'names can't hurt you' is not going to help your situation;
Don't dwell on the past: and its everyday equivalent, 'get over it', or 'don't bring it up' - while some people may want you to feel better by not 'replaying' something that is unpleasant; but what is wrong with that comment is that it trivialises what the traumatised person has been through. After all, noone is trying to dwell on the past. And what is worse is that the people who tell you not to dwell on the past are often the ones who have either (a) abused you in some way or another; or (b) have stood by and let the perpetrator(s) get away with what they did.
Noone can make you feel inferior without your consent: this advice (originally attributed to Elanor Roosevelt) can mean that you don't have to take everything everyone says about you as gospel. But it can also mean that if you do feel inferior, then it must mean that maybe you are 'oversensitive', 'thin-skinned' or that you 'let them' put you down in some way - this is wrong because people are usually responsible for how they treat you, regardless of how you react.
Offence is taken, not given: Like the previous 'noone can make you feel inferior without your consent', it makes us feel we are oversensitive, overreacting, nitpicky and the like. Apart from silencing the person who was offended, it also hurts the person who may have made an offensive comment but wasn't intentionally hurtful. Wouldn't it more helpful to ask the person or people who were offended why they took offense to the comment(s) and then hearing what they have to say, rather than just dismissing what they say? This sort of approach would go alot further in opening up a meaningful dialogue about language, popular culture, and other ways in which oppressive dialogue can propogate, and how we can prevent it.
We seek confirmation in what we believe: Or do we? Again, if someone notices something wrong, say the double standards with gender relations, and someone else says 'it's because you look for it', does this mean that the sexism will disappear if we don't? It is harmful to say this when it makes women, people of colour and other disadvantaged groups feel like they are 'looking for an excuse' to have a chip on their shoulders, and absolves the other, more privileged groups of their responsibility in the problem.
Smile/Don't cry: While there is a grain of truth to being happy (because smiling can put someone in a better mood), and noone likes to see their 'loved ones' being sad, telling someone to put on a 'brave face' and suppress their emotions can cause someone to doubt themselves and that their feelings are being invalidated. It can also lead someone to repress their feelings and not be their authentic selves.
Thought shapes reality: While intended as 'helpful', the person experiencing depression or anxiety cannot simply 'feel better' just through positive thinking. And it becomes harmful when that person feeling the emotion is told that they must 'want to be' depressed, anxious or even physically unwell, that they don't want to be happy or healthy (even someone else told me that one time, as if I set out to catch the flu, or get a backache, as if I were to set out to 'catch a cold' and come down with laryngitis).
So, yes, I myself have been told all these things at one time or another, and while some times, they may make sense - no, I don't have to take everything as gospel, or no, I don't have to let others walk all over me; other times, these bits of advice do more harm than good. After all, very few people deliberately set out to be sick, depressed, anxious or to experience what they have; not all people 'look for' oppression, have control over how they look or feel, or deliberately 'let' others make them feel inferior. And to actively acknowledging what the other person is going through would be a start.
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What is your own take on this situation? How do you rise above the rot?